Girl Chat With D

Hello Earthlings! 🖖

Welcome to The Crazy Chronicles, where I go into detail about how eventful my life has been up to this point. I do want to forewarn the audience that this does talk about some details about addiction that may be triggering. If you are someone who is easily triggered, I highly recommend sitting out of this one. Unfortunately, I’ve been exposed to addiction my entire life as I know many others have also. I’m hoping this story will reassure people who may be going through this that it will be okay even if times are hard currently. This will be broken up into parts, otherwise I might as well be writing a book. LOL

Where it all began…

Growing up, in my early childhood years (4-9 years) I remember thinking in my head “we are such a happy family and I love how perfect everything is”. Boy, was I wrong….😮‍💨 I remember looking at my parents and I thought they were the perfect couple, they loved each other so much, my dad was such a hard working man, he made six figures a year and worked 40+ hours a week and my mom worked her job and then they would go to bed as a happy family. When I was about 7 or 8 years old my little brother was born and it was a big change for me because I was the only child up until this point.

The big shock

I remember this day like it was yesterday although I don’t remember every little detail I remember most of it. I remember it was morning time I was young (I don’t remember my exact age but I want to say 11ish years old), I think I was getting ready to go to school and then I remember my dad coming into my bedroom and he sat on my bed. He said to me “Hey Bird (my family nickname), I have to ask you something”. I didn’t think anything of it because mind you, I was under the impression my family was good. “What’s up, Daddy?” I asked him as he had NEVER approached me like this before and I definitely remember it being weird. “Do you think I could borrow some money? I know you have some (I had received cash as a gift a couple weeks prior for a holiday of some sort) and I was going to buy you a gift with it”. Immediately, I think in my head “Of course I’ll help you that’s what family is for” and without a thought I grab my cash and ask him how much he needed. He didn’t take all of it but did take most of it, I think in total I had maybe like $30 and he took about $20 of it. He reassured me again that he would bring me a gift on the way home form work.

The day goes on…..I remember being at home with my mom. At this point, my mother had to care for my brother full time (we didn’t know it at this time but my brother has autism which is why my mom had to cater to him so much) so she was a stay at home mom. At this point, me and my mom were also pretty close. I remember talking to my mom and I had mentioned the gift my dad was supposed to bring me. My mom immediately got confused and asked me about it. I told her exactly what had happened earlier that morning. I remember seeing the disappointment in my mom’s expression to this very day, it was a look that immediately told me something was very, very, wrong. My mom looked at me and said “Your father is not bringing you a gift. Your father has a problem and he used you for money to support his problem”

I felt like I had been hit by a train so f***ing hard I’m still recovering from it almost 20 years later. This was the moment my life and my entire way of thinking changed. You’re telling me my father who was a king in my eyes, used me??? For his own benefit??? I didn’t believe it. There was no way he’d do that to me. He was my best friend, we were so close. I was so lost and confused and hurt. My mom sat me down and explained everything to me. She told me my dad was addicted to drugs and had been addicted to drugs my whole life. She told me that she was controlling his finances to try to help him get sober which is why he came to me and asked for money out of desperation. I remember these exact words she said, “You can believe whatever you want. But when your father gets home, just ask him if he got you a gift”. My mom then informed me that she was going to be putting all of my personal money in a bank account and that if my dad asks for anymore money to just tell him that mom took it and put it in a bank account and I can’t access it.

The Confrontation

My dad came home from work and I don’t even think he had time to take his shoes off before I asked him about my promised gift. Sure enough, my mom was absolutely correct. He didn’t bring me a gift and just told me that he had forgotten. I remember this was a lot for my tween brain to wrap my head around and the feeling I had from it was a feeling I didn’t like at all. This particular feeling was eating me alive to the point where I thought I was going insane.

Not long after this unfortunate event occurred, my dad did approach me and ask me for more money. I told him I don’t have any and that mom put it in a bank account. I remember I was sweating bullets I was so nervous and anxious. “Oh, do you know why?” My dad asked me. I felt like I was going to explode out of my skin, I couldn’t contain myself any longer. “Mom told me you used me for money for drugs” I blurted it out and I instantly felt regret. “What? That’s a lie” my dad told me. I felt so much relief it was unreal, it was like 3 tons was lifted off my chest. I was right. My dad wouldn’t do that to me, he loves me too much. I couldn’t wait to tell my mom that she was wrong and he wasn’t at all who she thought he was.

Wake up Call

I remember approaching my mom the next day after school and telling her about the good news about what my dad had told me. She was so disappointed in me and I was so confused. Why was she so upset? I thought this was great news. “He’s lying to make me the bad guy. You shouldn’t have told him that”. At this point I was beyond confused. My parents who were perfect in my eyes are now turning me against them? Now that I’m an adult I realize this was a lot of toxicity and damaging behavior I shouldn’t have been exposed to at such a young age. Hence, why I think the way I do now.

Part 2 coming soon!

I will be making a part 2 to continue this story about how it was growing up around addiction. If you guys want to learn anything else about me feel free to reach out!

Until next time Lovelies! 💕